This is The Joke Thread

For the punch line, highlight the data in the brackets:

[ The other woman replied, "It's the cobblestones... ]

BTW I'm friends with the guy who makes those

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and the bartender says "now don't you start anything!"

The next day the same guy, even though his wife had threatened him with fire and damnation, goes wheeling into the bar.  After getting shitfaced again, he proceeds to throw up all over his shirt.  

As he sits at the bar bemoaning the fact that his wife is actually going to set him on fire when he gets home,  the bartender tells him, "No problems!  Here Frank, take this $20 bill and stick it in your shirt pocket.  When you get home, tell your wife the guy next to you at the bar threw up on you and gave you the $20 to get your shirt cleaned."

"Genius!", Frank exclaims, and then resumes his drinking. 

Later, when he eventually rolls on home, his wife starts up.  "You've been drinking at that damn bar again!", she screeches.

"No! - I was at the bar, but I just wanted to hang out, so I was drinking only pop.  Then this drunk next to me at bar pukes on me.  He felt bad so he gave me $20 to get my shirt cleaned." he said, handing her the money.

"You old alcoholic!", she shrieks, "You are so drunk, you can't even tell you have $40 in your pocket!!".

Frank straightened up, and as only someone who is God's Own Drunk really can, assumed an air of wounded dignity and said, "Well, he shit in my pants, too!".

two fonts walk into a bar and the bartender says, "we don't serve your types here."

Two birds were sitting on a perch and one says, "do you smell fish?"

One night Jeffrey Dahmer invited his parents over for dinner...
Parents: Jeffrey we don't like your neighbors.
Jeffrey: Maybe you should try the salad.